You meant so much to me. All I wanted was to see your face everyday. I wanted you to smile instead of frown at me. I just wanted to be in your company. Everything you said, I believed. You fixed bad things and made them good. You allowed me to believe and have faith in humanity again. You let me love again. When I was with you, all my worries disappeared. I actually really enjoyed being around you. Even sitting in silence didn't feel so quiet with you. It was like you could hear every thought in my head. You filled the gap in my heart. So when you left, I felt broken again. The familiarity of disappointment and solitude; the feeling of loneliness that is unbearable. That's why I clung on to every hope you gave me. You took me out of my shell and I didn't want to go back.
But here I am again. More lonely than ever. Everyone seems to be finding their paths for their future right now and they also have someone to accompany them. Whereas I have to find my path alone. I don't need someone to help me, I am fully capable of looking after myself, but I just have so much I would like to share. I have a big but timid heart that wants to share my life with someone. I have so much that I want to talk about... I want that special someone to create memories with too....
Do you know why I took your scarf out of all your stuff? I took it because it made me smile during our time together. The first time we got together. We sat next to each other in my living room, singing karaoke when all of a sudden, you gently place the scarf around my neck. No one had ever put something around me before you did. Nobody ever cared about me or made my heart flutter that way before. The second time was when I was around. That morning we were sleeping and you suddenly flip 180 on me and tell me you can't do it again. The time we were honest to each other. The time I cried and you tried to wipe the tears away. You put on the scarf after I woke up, tired from the lack of sleep and crying. You put it on like a weirdo and pretended to be a Taliban or something to make me laugh. Then you came back to bed to chill with me. The third time was during Christian's birthday. You guys came over when I was piss drunk. I felt like I was going crazy from all the alcohol and I pushed myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. I grabbed your hand and made you stay still to paint your nails horrifically as an excuse to touch you again. I made a fuss when you put your feet on the chair I was sat on as an excuse to flirt with you. I hid your phone in my pocket as an excuse to make you come and look for it and stay longer. I threw your flip flops outside as an excuse for you to not leave...
You know when you said you were leaving, you didn't even say it to me in person. I had to hear it through everyone else. I don't think you were planning on telling me. I don't know what hurt more. I was brave enough to tell you that I loved you, but those words don't seem fitting. Of course I loved you, but I didn't mean it in a soppy, romantic way. I meant it in my way. I was trying to tell you I'll miss you. I'll miss your face, your kisses, your laugh, your dorkiness, your kindness, your genuine smile, your tantrums, your mood swings, your voice. I was trying to tell you that even though you're an asshole 75% of the time, I still like you. I was trying to tell you, thank you for making me happy and feel like a princess. I was trying to tell you that I will never forget you and I hope you never forget me too. I was trying to tell you, you became one of my best friends, one that I could comfortably sit in silence with or tell secrets to, without knowing it. Most of all, I was trying to say don't leave me. Don't let me be lonely again, don't let me sleep alone again. But I know that all of this never came out and you'll never know.
You really are a stranger now. We're not even friends. Merely acquainted; just a memory. So I think it's time I open my heart for other things in life. There are so many more things for me to see and do. As people say, if you're meant to be, you'll eventually find each other again. So until then, I'll be myself again. Goodbye Diesel, goodbye.
