I... I don't know why I'm even writing this. Surely I should be over you, living my life to the full.
But here I am, sat here thinking about you.

I don't even want to go back to Hull. I don't want to go back and feel your presence. I don't want to walk in your footsteps or be somewhere you've been. I don't want to be somewhere we were together, without you. I know I'm being so stupid and childish about this but maybe it's because I liked you more than you ever liked me. My mum was complaining about my older brother smoking too much and how she didn't like him smoking because he was bored. It made me remember that time you taught me how to open a packet of cigarettes. I was so clueless about what foil wrapping I should have thrown away and how to even open the box itself. You laughed at me and how simple my brain, saying I was cute. You then told me that turning the first cigarette upside-down and smoking it last, was lucky. Til this very day, whenever I see someone smoking, I flip over a cigarette for them.

I know I like you so much more that you liked me, but honestly when we were together I didn't see it. It's only that I've come back home where you're not there, I feel the difference. I didn't appreciate our time together enough. I didn't appreciate how we used to cuddle, how you would keep me warm, how you used to put the duvet around me because I would get ill and catch a cold if I didn't cover my back, how we used to talk until the morning, how you used to play with my hair and stroke my face when I slept, but now I'm just alone. You're not there by my side anymore. And now I miss how we used to be.

I still remember the only time we went out clubbing together to Asylum. Somewhere you hated, but you came. I'm not sure why you came out but I remember it was my first ISA clubbing night. We were awkward at the beginning as we didn't know how to act. Like I remember avoiding eye contact with you for all of pre-drinks and when we got there you asked if I was ignoring you. Course I was upset, you silly male. But being the aloof girl who didn't care, course I was cold and sarcastic and was like "yeah. there's not much to say is there." If you're going to ignore me and hurt my feelings, I'm not going to be the nicest of people to you. You tried to apologise saying sorry, but I was simply like I don't care, when I clearly did. Going in the club was awkward and we didn't really say much. As the night went on, we got drinks and went to dance. With drinks flowing like a river, our dancing got a bit more extravagant and flamboyant... I remember playfully grinding with the boys to the tackiest of songs and then when it came to you, both of us just walked in opposite directions. I walked off as I didn't know if it was appropriate or not, or whether you wanted to even dance with me. But there got to a point where it was just me, you and Gloria left. Everyone had separated and either gone to pee and get drinks, so we were awkwardly left here. You started talking to Gloria, which obviously made me feel like the Incredible Hulk and so I claimed I had to go pee as well or some lame excuse to run away. I literally ran to compose myself. Why did I have to feel like shit when you were talking to my best friend? Because I fucking like you. I came back and bought multiple drinks to drown my unhappiness and it turned out everyone had moved onto the dance floor with just you looking after the drinks. You told me to go dance but I refused as I had a drink and you said you would look after this prestigious drink that was too important for me to abandon, which made me laugh. So lame but then I told him it was my favourite Malibu and asked what he was drinking. You offered me your drink without any words and so I was like what is it, hoping it wouldn't be something gross. It was JD and coke, my ultimate nightmare. You laughed as I apparently pulled one of the most disgusted faces ever, trying to tell me it was the best. Utter bullshit. Then I think a song came on that I liked so I asked why you weren't going to dance and you pulled that sarcastic face at me, the "are you being serious?" face. I laughed and gave him my drink and went to join everyone else. We could all see you standing there, waving at you to come over but you still refused. After a few songs, we came back and you returned my drink and I tried to persuade you to come and dance one more time. You said no, so I was like fine, whatever and walked to the side to rest. You then put your arm around my waist and hugged me from behind, kissing my ear and neck. I turned around and your face was super close to mine as I was wearing heels. For some reason, I let you kiss me. I had always found it awkward kissing in a club but being with you it didn't matter. As we both pulled away, I guess we both weren't expecting to kiss, so to be an awkward turtle, I said you tasted nasty like your whiskey and you complained I tasted too sweet. What are we like.. We were both oblivious that everyone had actually come back and was standing behind us... Not awkward at all. But you held my hand and we walked towards them and we were all talking. The boys went off to chase after this hot girl and you told me to stay with Gloria as you had to go be their "wingman" and kissed me, asking me to wish you good luck. Me and Gloria went to dance ourselves and went to sit down after a bit as her feet were hurting. Then the two of the weirdest creeps came to talk us. One had obviously eyed up Gloria and was intimately talking to her, so as a good friend, I let them talk a bit longer and politely dealt with his friend. He was so keen telling me that I was beautiful and asking me a lot about myself, he didn't even know I was lying to him and just keeping him company out of politeness... So I made excuses to pee and require Gloria's assistance, but they were so creepy they were willing to wait for us. Outside the toilets. Literally the keenest people ever. As we went in there, I planned our greatest escape where we both took off our heels and crouched low and scuttled among people's legs, hoping it would shield us. It worked like a charm. We got to the other side of the seats and went back to the platform where we all previously stood to drink. Me and Gloria danced here as it wasn't as warm as it was on the dance floor when a group of Asian boys tried to subtly dance behind us. We didn't even notice until you and the boys came to form a barrier and laughed at us for attracting such weird people. You came to kiss me and teased if I was planning on going home with them. I laughed and asked if you were a good wingman and met any nice girls. You said you had met one. My heart literally dropped as I wasn't really expecting that answer. You then said that you were with her now and kissed me. You kissed me at the right time as if not, I would have been stuck in a trance. Towards the end, you went to smoke and so left me in the warm. Everybody was getting their jackets but of course I didn't bring one so I told them I would come meet them in a bit. But then disaster struck. Creepy guy from before found me again and grabbed my hand and spun me around. Everyone was watching and I was trying to let go of his grasp but he wouldn't so I grabbed some randomers arm and was like "oh sorry, I didn't mean to grab your arm" so it looked like I knew them and so creepy guy let me go and I ran to find you, claiming some psycho made me dance with him and you threatened to beat them up. We were kissing when that same creepy guy came up to us and was like "hi". Wasn't it obvious I was with you? So I hid behind you and you confronted the guy. Hahaha. It was actually quite funny to watch. He didn't get it until you said that I was with you, literally spelling it out for him. You then held my hand and we walked out. We found Gloria alone outside as we didn't know where everyone was and so the three of us walked home together. I was so cold so you kept trying to warm me up and you were lecturing me about how I should have brought a coat as he wasn't wearing anything he could take off. Your phone beeped and it turns out to be your sister sending you a picture of your dog.in the bath tub. You showed me the picture and I said it was cute but I've seen cuter dogs and you literally stopped in your tracks. You were like excuse me? And I just repeated the same thing... Unaware of saying anything wrong. You threw a little hissy fit arguing with me, saying that I had to say your dog was the cutest and because I refused to say it it, you refused to walk home. I walked off, sarcastically saying BYEEEEEEEE and you shouted after me going "ALAINE SUNG YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE NOW! I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU DO!" and Gloria, who was pissing her pants, made me go back and get you. So I came back to see you still standing there like a stubborn kid, so cute. I grabbed your hand and patronisingly   told you we had to go home because it was dark. You were still quite upset and complained all the way. We were talking so much we forgot we were walking slower than Gloria who had sped off. And then you suddenly asked me to be your girlfriend. I was laughing it off saying you weren't serious but you hugged me from behind and asked me again. I laughed and screamed as you tickled me and kissed my neck, asking Gloria to come save me. That's when we realised she had gone and so I made you walk faster to check she had got home safely and then we walked back to yours to sleep.

That was literally one of the cutest nights we've had. Awkward but cute too. The reasons as to why I miss you. You were unromantically the cutest person when you wanted to be, asking me the day after if I had a good night and how you had met this lovely girl called Alaine at a club and that I should meet her. Haha you loser. So no matter how much you are of a dick to me. I remember. I remember everything. I smile as I recall these memories. When I tell my friends about you and your weird habits like kicking me or patting me when I'm sleeping to make sure I haven't run away, or just any pointless stories about you, I have this genuine Cheshire cat grin where my smile goes from ear to ear.

I'm not as hurt as by the fact we broke up, I'm more hurt by the fact we didn't try to stay together and just assumed it was the end. You didn't cheat on me, you didn't do something that harmed me physically, it wasn't like we didn't like each other and didn't have chemistry, it was just that you were leaving. Obviously we weren't dating but I wouldn't have minded waiting for you. But maybe it would have just been me who was willing to be so stupid... This is why it's difficult for me. I feel like we will meet again even though we won't and why I can't let you go. I miss you. And I also hope that you miss me too...