It's the first time you've gone out with your friends at home and like I feel so awkward. I obviously want you to see your friends and go have fun... But I'm also nervous. Not because I don't trust you, I just find it hard to trust anyone.
I've had my heart broken so many times that I'm just numb and passive when something good is happening to me. I don't recognise those kind of feelings... All I know is when something hurts. I trust you more than I trust anyone else, which means I will be even more disappointed and feel even more like shit if something ever happens. That's why I feel so uneasy and anxious tonight.
You're so nice to me that I feel like I'm stabbing you in the back when I feel like this... I know I'm overthinking and am super paranoid and I know you won't do anything but I honestly won't be able to deal with bad news. I know that if you break my heart, it will be the end of me.
It really pains me that I'm like this. Who wants a girlfriend who's like this? I don't even want to tell you because... What is the point? If I told you, it's like me slapping you in the face. Trust is the basis of all relationships. But please understand, you're my first boyfriend. You're surrounded by your past when you're back home and I know that they meant something to you. I even know that one is still madly in love with you. And for me, that's a daunting thought. All these girls could potentially take you away from me. I've only know you for the past two to three months. That is barely anything. I'm not a great person... I know I'm not, so you have every reason to leave me.
Jeez I really don't know why I'm even thinking like this. I sound like such a jealous bitch. But frankly, I can't stop. I'm trying my best because I love you. I want us to work. But letting go isn't my forte. Please help me believe in us too.
Please don't do anything stupid.
I really need you right now...
