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21.01.11

Weather: Cold. Frosty. Minus 8587567823785676864 degrees. And it doesn't help when you're like me and you wear skirts 365 days a year ¬__¬ BLEURGH.

I was waiting for my mum to pick me up today from school like I always do ^__^ (I'm too lazy for trains/buses/bikes and it would take me 4000 lightyears to walk home you see).. But today it felt different. I was so cold even though I delibrately stood like a plonker in the middle of the pavement to stand underneath the sun. It was so cold, but not just physically but like emotionally >__< I could feel tears like build up because I was alone. I tried blinking to make them disappear (but apparently NO. That doesn't work =__=') but the stupid tears wouldn't go away until I heard my mum's horrendously squeaky brakes, that's when my tears were all sucked back in.. like remember Noo-Noo the like Teletubbies vacuum cleaner thing and it sucked stuff up? My tears literally vanished like that >.< ...

Rewind back. 10.00am.
We were still fine at this point. We were both working hard revising. LOL JOKES. Revision was a lie. It's more like an "opportunity" to listen to more SHINee >:] LMAO. Then that stupid short fat rhino boy walked in. ¬__¬ ARGHHHHH. If only he hadn't.
This was when EVERYTHING just fell apart.
He sat near us. He stole my food. That fat douche. ¬__¬ L had asked me to ask him whether he was going to badminton. We talked like we normally did... throw in a few insults and a few WTF O.o and ¬__¬ faces and BAM that's our conversation.
But she suddenly went quiet. Let me just say, my best friend is never quiet. She walked outside to the corridor. On her phone. Without me...
I knew what was wrong.
She would never leave to go outside unless she was upset. I knew I had made her upset. A part of me just fell apart. I wanted to run outside after her to ask whether she was okay. My legs wouldn't move. I was just so shocked at my own actions. DUDE it's like your best friend's love, you don't just DO what you did. No matter how "normal" it is. You just don't. ALAINE SUNG ¬__¬ U NEED A BLOODY SLAP. BISH. >.< (LOL bish. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA ROSIE ^__^)
She was still outside. I could have gone out there. I was too scared though. The thought of making someone cry isn't amazing. Especially when that girl is your best friend. Best friends aren't supposed to make each other cry or hurt each other at all. But I did. I don't understand myself. Nothing I can EVER do will make me forgive myself. What hurts more is to know that she was crying. I wasn't there to comfort her though was I? I wasn't there to tell her everything's gonna be okay or to say stop crying before your chinaman eyes will become smaller.

She tells me not to blame myself and it's her own problem. But clearly it's not. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! I'm clearly doing something. Something horrible. It's hard for me to like react when you say you want it to be like how it used to be. Because I know how much it actually hurts you. So what can I do?
She's forever apologising for nothing. I should be the one apologising. You can call me a pabo as much as you like. I don't care.
I'm sorry. Sorry times 2387438671489274983758378. This doesn't even cut it. >__<
I just want to curl up and die. Seeing my best friend like not talk to me just makes me want to die. I've never had a best friend like her before. I really want to be best friends with her forever. I really do. She's never let me down before. She is always there for me. She's like family. What am I talking about?! She IS family. She really is important to me.

But NO. I decide to go and ruin everything. ARGH. ¬__¬

You know I don't like him. He's just like a brother. We fight like siblings. You don't need to think anymore. Trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you. You're too special for me to.

I hate the fact you're forever blaming yourself for something that doesn't exist. You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to at all. Because none of this is your fault. And yet you tell me not to blame myself. But the thing is I have something to slap myself for, you don't. You didn't ask for any of this. You don't deserve it either.

I really want to see you move on.
I want you to get your smile back.
I want to laugh with you again properly.
I want to steal your food.
I want to sit on you and like break your legs with my weight.
I don't want to see you cry anymore.
I don't want to ring you to hear you cry.
I don't want to see that blank expression on your face.
I don't want to hear "I'm okay" when you're clearly not.
I don't want you to blame yourself or like hurt yourself.
I don't want you to avoid me ever again.
I don't want you to not talk to me again.
I just want you back.
I just want my best friend back.

♥