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17.05.11
Weather: Grey, cloudy and cold

I swear if I don’t get all that’s inside of me out now I think I will actually explode into a million pieces. =__=”

Firstly, WHERE THE ACTUAL FUDGE IS MY INTERNET?!?!??!?!?!?!? It’s been like… a hundred days. YES. A hundred long internet-less days. How am I even alive?! I feel so out of sync with the world, like everything planned on FB, the gay tagged pictures of me, the whole stalking strangers and friends of friends on FB, I am completely oblivious to! ¬__¬ I could literally be living in the stone ages and I wouldn’t look out of place. T__T JUST GIVE ME FREAKING INTERNET. Please? >.<”

Secondly, WHERE THE FUDGE DID THE TIME I PLAN FOR REVISION GO?! I swear the last time I looked on a calendar it was still like the 1st of May… and I had PLENTY of time to revise… now my re-re-take is this Friday?! ¬__¬” GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I haven’t really revised for that. But how shameful is it to retake a retake?! >__<” jeez I must be really stupid! But please let me pass my exams.. Well it didn’t look that promising since I only got 25/75 marks on the S2 mock today… BLEURGH. Fails. Just uber fails.

Thirdly, WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY SPOTS ON MY FACE?! Is this just extra stress that you’re giving me for funsies?! ¬__¬ it was all pure and silky smooth and like just irresistible but now.. it looks like I rolled in some bright red buttons with glue smothered all over my face. =__=” I literally look like a baboons butt. Thanks. ¬¬

But yeah, that’s not really as to why I am just stuck in this crappy mood. Stuck in this grey cloud. Neither happy or sad. Neither black or white. Just stuck in this stupid “middle” mood. WHAT IS THIS?! Can’t I just be something? Not a mixture of poop! ¬__¬

I hate it when people avoid problems. Don’t avoid them and actually try solving them. Things would be so different if you tried. Like you tell everyone else our problems. Do you understand how that makes me feel? Especially when I know the other person. Don’t pretend that I don’t know because I will find out in the end. Like why can’t you just tell me things straight BAM to my face? Don’t ask someone else for THEIR opinion because then it’s not yours. Why are you so afraid?

I personally hate confrontation so when I am put into a situation like that… I feel uncomfortable and I want to run away and hide. But how am I supposed to confront someone who doesn’t even believe there’s a problem? How am I supposed to sort things out? How can you not even see that there is a problem? I’m so tired of pretending that we’re fine when we’re not. I am literally so close to giving up. I don’t want to but I will have to if we can’t sort things out. Or maybe it’s just not meant to be. We’re just not meant to be friends anymore. But then I look back and I remember our memories. Our memories are everywhere. So it’s hard to not think of how good the old times were. But it’s so different now. You can’t even come to terms and admit that you have left me and we’re not that close. From your point of view, you may not feel that tings have changed but you’re not the one sat there with your back in my face while you’re busy with your guy. You’re not the one sat there having to be a gooseberry, watching how I have been replaced. You may not think you have replaced me… but truthfully how many times have we had proper long, decent conversations since you got with him? That day I called you, wanting to have a nice girly chat with you, but you didn’t even care and carried on concentrating on doing whatever you were doing on the computer, talking to other people, whilst I just pointlessly sat there in silence waiting until you would finish. I was so angry that night. Angry at how you didn’t even notice I was there, or how you didn’t actually listen to anything that was coming out my mouth. I even told myself that you were doing something important and that I was okay that you were ignoring me because it was more important to for you to talk to other people. But these lies don’t work because I know that it wasn’t why you weren’t talking. And how many times have you thought that I might actually need you but I don’t go to you because I don’t want to interrupt? You’re also not the one who has to listen to all these false, empty promises and these “I miss you” and “you’re my best friend” phrases which you don’t even mean. At first, when we we’re best friends, I would believe you because you did act like you meant that I was your best friend. But now, they’re just the most useless words and the worse lies I have ever heard in my life. They no longer have a meaning to them because even you don’t keep that promise that comes with it. So every time I hear you say it, it breaks me because I feel like I am living on cloud nine and I believe them but only to be let down by you again. Why do you call me your best friend if you don’t even trust me? I literally trust you guys with my life, but just how you say that I’m flirting with your boyfriend is just too much. I have even told you I don’t like him at all. And just because we talk and we play fight you think that I am and you get upset at me for that? If it was true, why can’t it be the other way round? Do you actually trust him more than you trust me? Everyone knows how I can’t flirt to save my life. My chat up line is “I’ve lost my phone number so can I have yours?” so surely that just tells you the extent of my flirting skills. And I thought you would trust me enough to not think about stuff like this. But clearly I don’t mean anything to you. So don’t lie to me and tell me I’m your best friend because that gives me false hope again.
When you said that it sucked because I wasn’t even trying to fix things, I wanted to throw my phone into my TV, I was that angry. How could you even say that? I might not show that I care but I do. It’s the reason why after every time the loud laughs and banter and the usual messing about and the quiet atmosphere come back, I sit there close to crying. Thinking about what I should be doing. Thinking about whether or not I can bring myself to forgive a friend who’s no longer there for me when I need them. It’s harder than it seems as I rely on friends a lot. They are the reason why I am still alive. And if I don’t try, we wouldn’t have been friends about 5 months ago.

I know I’m not the best of friends. I do get jealous a lot. I am petty, selfish and I do hold grudges. But I have tried. I have tried so hard. There’s always a part of me saying “just give up now” as I don’t know whether it’s worth standing in a cold shower again just so I can cry without anyone knowing. I don’t think I have enough determination to do it again. So if you are upset, just tell it to me to my face or I will just break. And I know it’s not fair on you now that I don’t want to spend time with you but you can’t expect me to act like everything’s fine when it’s not. I don’t want to spend time with someone I no longer know, someone I no longer trust and know I won’t have fun with.

I don’t know what will happen if you do read this. It’s up to you what happens next. The old you would know what the best thing to do is, but its okay, I won’t keep my hopes up because if you don’t want to be my friend then… I’ll be okay, you wouldn’t have broken a promise, I’ll understand…


Lastly, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Cupid! Where are my love interests?! ¬__¬ Why am I still lonely and single? I just want one person, even if it’s like my guy sister or a potential boy… or just someone who cares. Am I too greedy to ask for one? >.< otherwise I’ll end up being an old woman living in a messy cat house with 8537485962965923695362 cats, eating just tinned tuna. Now that’s a scary thought no? So please? Please send me to someone soon… ^ ^ aja aja hwaiting! <3


Lucky by Ashily
Whenever I’m tired,
Lucky in my life,
Like a dream you come to my side.
Whenever I am sad,
Lucky in my dream,
You always surround me with your warmth.
No matter when or where, I always smile like this.
No matter how much more troubles on earth,
I’d never let you see my tears.
Even if you don’t know my heart,
Even if from afar, I can see your smile,
I’d feel very lucky.
Can you come one step closer to me?