Oh my days.

It was clearly a sign from Baby Jesus not to go to the library today when I ignored all the alarms on my clock. Why did I persist on going?

I did have a thought at the back of my head, thinking that you would be there.. But I forgot about it and just thought that you wouldn't be there like yesterday...

I really want to apologise to you. I feel bad.. You're not supposed to feel bad. You're supposed to be a massive prick. One that would ignore my presence. One that wasn't supposed to leave because I left. It was supposed to happen like this: I arrive, get ignored by you and then I leave and you don't notice that you've hurt me. 

Why are you such a stubborn ass like me? EUGH. Copying me and leaving.

I think I might have stayed if you hadn't said anything or cared. 

"It's getting crowded in here, isn't it?"

Even through my headphones, I could hear you say that..

From then on, I just wanted to run from that room. Run away from you. 

Thanks for making me feel like a piece of shit.

G said you kept glancing over at me as I gave her her food.. Why? What's the point?

I was literally shaking for a whole hour.

I shouldn't have run away but... But... I don't know how to face you.

I still like you. I need to stay away from you. I know you don't like me so why would I show you I still like you? I don't want you to pity me.

Being away from you makes me sad, but being close to you makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

There is no middle ground. I don't know how to be friends with you. To me, you're either a stranger or someone I like. I haven't been just "friends" with you. I don't want to be friends with you. I want you...

H came and found me later on to check on me. 

Course I was alright.. Why wouldn't I be? 

He said pretty honest things which I know are true.. But choose to ignore.

We are both like children. Being immature like this.. Not being able to sit down and actually talk things through.. I'm not strong enough to do that yet. I still childishly like you. My instincts tell me we have things to finish and there are feelings there, but when I see you, all this hope fades away..I don't know what I'm even doing nowadays. I'm so lost.

He also said we weren't really the matchmade in heaven... You're a hardcore stoner and I'm essentially a child. I knew you were going to be trouble, but I still threw all my love into this. So stupid.

You're just a dirty, lazy bum. But like in front of me, you're just like any other normal guy. 

You don't seem that dirty.. Every time I stayed in your room, I knew it was messy but you would clean it for me. You always seem to be cooking around me so I don't feel you're lazy either. 

But I know you are one thing. You are a massive dickhead. 

You're pretty up yourself too.

I've heard how you were so angry I rejected you that you went home ranting and raving and swearing and drinking more because of it. Like apparently you walked out of the room mumbling angry, then came back to say "how could she say no!?" again. Ha. You even went to H super pissed off saying "how could she reject me? I'm a hot piece of ass"

Wow. You arrogant bitch. You never showed me this side of you when we were together. I guess I really never understood you. H was saying how guys like to put on some front and act mysterious and "slowly" open up to keep this mystique about them... 

Is that what you were doing?

I DON"T EVEN KNOW.

This is actually the worst.

G said you were going to try and talk to me..

But you made it super clear last time that you didn't want anything to do with me so why bother coming to me again? You clearly know what I want. So don't act like you're some nice guy. It doesn't suit you. 

There is no solution to "us".

We might as well be awkward for ever and ever.

Super super awkward.

EUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

Fuck my life.