I'm not going to lie anymore.

I'm not over you as I thought I was.

I know time will heal everything and I know I will be okay, but at this moment in time, I just want to shrivel up and die.

Like without you, my life doesn't feel complete. I feel so stupid for thinking this. It really pisses me off and frustrates me that I seem so reliant and dependent on you.

How did I expect myself to be able to get over you like I did with all the other boys before you?

I can't forget you. I can't physically forget you.

There will be small things that will always remind me of you

It hurts to even think of them.

Knowing that I am fucking mentally or even criminally insane for still liking you after all you have done to me, makes me feel so small.

So many people have told me to stop, to stop thinking about you, to stop hoping that someday we will get back together... But I can't.

I don't want to. 

I ask myself everyday why we can't be together. What did I do so wrong that we can't be together?

I thought the feeling was mutual... But apparently it's just little me, heads over heels for you again. If I was a third person, unbiased and didn't know the both of us, I definitely know that I would call myself pathetic and literally an insult to the human kind. How can someone be so stupid? I need to wake the fuck up and smell the fucking coffee. You are SO over me. I'm just there for when you don't have anyone else. I'm the doormat who will let you back, no matter what happens because I'm hooked onto you.

Really hooked onto you.

It was really nice being able to spend time with you yesterday.

In a weird way, we got to actually sit down and talk. Nothing but talk.

I don't know how drunk you were but I think you were pretty drunk...

You stayed with me and tried to think of every type of music I would possibly like.

Our mutual ground on music isn't exactly what I would call healthy.. We really are different people. We like different things and we have such different opinions on everything. You tried to say we didn't, but bitch please, everything you said I would like and would be great, made me cringe inside. We had some weird ass reminiscence together..

Like when I asked you if I made weird noises in my sleep

Like when we remembered the times you lost your temper and was angry with me

Like when I fell asleep to one of your favourite Portuguese songs

Like when you cooked for me

Like how the shirt I used to call "my shirt" because I wore it every time I slept around, still smells like me and how I smell sweet...

It was really weird because even though we were laughing and joking around sometimes, I know that there were serious moments too. Like you still insist you were never angry at me, just "frustrated" but we both know deep down inside, that you were so angry at me.. The amount of times you slammed the doors to this house and to my room. Just wow. Then you would actually throw a little hissy fit when I took the piss of how you said yogurt in your American accent. You mistook my teasing and got really offended and it made me realise how insecure you are about your English... Honestly, you are really clever and don't worry yourself over it... You can speak English better than I can...

Anyway, I liked the way you were smiling yesterday. It was a genuine smile. One that seemed to be enjoying your time. Not like that face you put on. That "don't-mess-with-me-motherfucker" face. It scares the living hell out of me. It makes you super unapproachable. But like you said, you really are "lovable". People just have to get to know you first. But somethings never change. You still really suck at telling jokes. Seriously. I think I need to buy you a joke book before you leave. They are shitter than shit! And you still really suck at games.. How can I beat you nearly every time at snap and rock paper scissors?! My 13 year old brother beats me the hell out of me.You need to fix up! Also, why are you so proud of being able to plait hair?! I know you have a sister.. But still.. Even I struggle. And how you were trying to persuade me to dread my hair?! And how it would look so cute on me because my hair is long enough?! You are such a strange ass boy.

Why did you ask me who the guy I was talking to was too? I thought you were too busy flirting your ass off with the rude ass, blonde German girl so you could sleep with her? I didn't realise you noticed I was in the room, seeing as you were so close to her, you might as well have had sex with her there and then. And do you realise how your confidence turns into arrogance sometimes?! I know you dress really well and everything but there is no need to compliment and flatter yourself. But you did say you liked how I dressed too, with the exception that I wore too many shorts, not enough trousers. I don't think you understand how much I hate how restricting trousers are and you proceeded to mock me and how I did a weird crab walk thing when I wore jeans.

The whole thing got weirder as the night went on, like we can talk like friends and talk about such random and diverse shit. Like how when you were telling us about the situation in the house with the cleaning. I felt that this issue really affected you because you were frowning and it made my heart sort of flinch, knowing you were upset by it. But can we really talk about everything? I feel sometimes you shelter somethings from me because you're trying to protect me from listening and getting hurt.. You also let me play with your hair all night as I was trying to style it properly. It behaves so well.. I'm kind of jealous. It's quite funny how you can't win me over an argument either haha. "True" gentleman behaviour right? The vodka shots we did confused me too. Like why were you telling my housemate to drink with you more? Was it because you wanted to drink more or you wanted to stay? And I clearly remember you saying you were going to go home after my housemate went to bed... This confuses me.

Then you managed to persuade me to go to Tescos with you because you really needed your tobacco fix. I was wearing your hoodie because I was cold and I was too lazy to go find something clean to wear in my room... You complained about how cold it was and how the sweatshirt you were wearing wasn't even thick. That sweatshirt was such a hobo sweatshirt anyway.. It had more holes than a golf course and when you told me about how some of the holes came about because of your ex, it made my heart flinch again. But anyway as we were walking to Tescos, you tried to cross the roads without the traffic lights which makes me feel uneasy, you like tried to grab my hand to help me across the road. My heart fluttered like crazy. You did it at every crossing point. I didn't know whether to grab your hand back though... You were also so cute when you realised I only went to keep you company.. I wasn't going to buy anything... The woman who was serving you gave me really odd stares when you were paying for your shit. Okay, I was dressed like I was doing the walk of shame home but still... Awkward. Well you walked me home as you were super happy that I had accidentally brought the lighter with me so that you could smoke.. I did want to watch a movie with you because you had mentioned earlier that we should go back to yours and watch the movie and eat your steaks.. But I thought that I was be in your way and I would seem annoying so I said I would go home instead. You then made sure that you could get out of washing by making me wash your hoodie before I gave it back to you. Lazy ass. You were certain to make it clear you wanted it to smell like roses and everything too. You hoe. So we were both shouting shit at each other as we walked in our different directions.

This is what confuses me. You are so sweet, yet you are such a dick. The things I heard come out of your mouth about trying to fuck that German girl really hurt. The fact that you also asked for her number, yet when we were together we didn't have each others number at all, made my heart ache from disappointment. I guess I wasn't important to you. Where do we stand with each other? Why did you get annoyed when I was purposefully ignoring you? I think any other girl would have battered you on the spot. They wouldn't have sucked up the balls to sit through your conversation about your hot date and how you wanted to swap girls with your housemate on the date. It was quite disgusting and literally painful to hear. What am I doing with my life?

You meant everything to me. And you still do.

But you don't deserve me.

I know that I've done nothing wrong.

You just do as you like.

When you don't want to be lonely, or you need a fuck, you come back to me.

You didn't appreciate me, nor do you like me.

There's so many things I wish we could have done together and so many times I've made excuses up for you because I can't accept you don't like me.

I think I've embarrassed myself too much. Always planning something to do just so I have an excuse to see you. Always going against myself, selfishly making situations just so I can be close to you.

Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid you will do everything we did with some other girl.

I don't think you understand how broken my heart is because of you.

I'm ashamed of how much I like you.

I don't dare tell anyone how much I like you.

I've never felt this way about someone before.

I feel like I'm living like a miserable shit because of you.

I can't be happy for my friends because they have someone, even though I should be able to.

I've cried so much, I've run out of tears to cry anymore.

I'm trying so hard to force myself to forget you, I feel like I've lost my identity in the process.

I really need to just find myself again. The me who didn't know you.

As much as I want to see you everyday, I'm going to stop coming to your house.

I'm going to try and live without you.

You don't even remember anything about me, yet I remember everything about you and us.

I will never go to Portugal because of you.

I will resist trying to see you.

I know I'm probably not strong enough to fight it just yet, seeing as I'm infatuated like a fan girl, by you, but I think the more I persist, the more I will get over you.

I know I will be beating myself up over this. 

I know I should follow my heart, but my brain is being the responsible one now.