YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. 

Coming home has really made it hit in that one day we will be separated. 

But I don’t ever want to leave you. 

To me now, this is good. I wouldn't and I couldn’t ask for more. 

Being able to sleep for 13 hours with you makes me happy. Not waking up and just chilling in bed together is better than eating a buffet to me now. 

But I don’t know what you want from me.. like do you want me to be clingy?

Like do you want me to run up behind you and tell you not to go?

Or do you like how I'm not like all desperate and begging you to stay?

I can't freaking tell and it's pissing me off.

I don't think you understand how I had to control my urges to run to you today and give you a proper kiss to say goodbye. Or how I wanted to trap you at my place yesterday and not let you go home.

But I know you're scared of commitment. I know you don't want a relationship. I know you're just treating this like a fling or whatever you want to call it. 

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Am I really imagining our times together?

Am I hallucinating how you seem content and relaxed with me?

Am I making up the chemistry we fucking have cos I'm no freaking scientist.

What are we?

Tell me is this the only thing we can be?

We honestly can't get any closer?

Just stop thinking about the consequences and everything to do with the future and fucking kiss me.

During that serious talk that morning, I guess we laid all the cards on the table.

Why do I keep coming back to you? Because I fucking like you.

Why do you keep coming back to me? Because you like me and can't resist coming back to me even though you know it's so wrong.

But apparently it got too serious for you. 

At first, I was just a bit of fun. I can't blame you there. At first, I didn't even pay much attention to you but then you slowly became more talkative and you caught my eye. You're literally the opposite of everyone I've ever liked. You're mysterious as fuck. You smoke a lot of shit. You have piercings and tattoos. You do a lot of pretty "socially unacceptable" shit. As much as I cringe saying this, you've got that "bad boy" appeal.

Then underneath, you're my little dork. The cute guy I can't get over how cute you are. The way you snore when we're sleeping and get embarrassed and roll over. The way you kick or nudge me to make sure I'm still there. The way you get so passionate and argumentative over certain things. Your stubbornness. Your smile.

But then apparently I became a bit of a "mission: impossible" to you because I was hard to get. Then I became something you wanted to "accomplish", like you had to get me. Then shit went down. Things got serious. Feelings started to get involved. Things were more serious than actual relationships you've had with previous girlfriends.

Just wow. Really?

I didn't notice this at all...

That's why I was felt so relieved we both got everything out of us.

For once, none of us stormed off. We both talked, or well shouted our way through.

You say you don't get angry or agitated, but you raise your voice and slam the doors on me.. So bitch please don't lie to me. This time I could see you wanted to run away, sort out your issues and your brain yourself, but I can't deal with this childish "running away from everything" attitude and I made you listen and hear me out. To make you see how stupid I felt. How stupid I must be to come crawling back to you every time you show signs of affection. I don't want to but my heart naturally gets attracted to you and wavers every single fucking time I think I'm just about to get over you. I really am the biggest fool. Whatever I'm doing now can no longer be blamed as a mistake but it's in fact my choice. I'm literally choosing to hurt myself but either way I'll feel like shit. I guess I'm just following my heart this time round. Like I told you, I really didn't realise how serious our relationship was. Not until you explained how friends don't lie in bed with each other, holding hands, making out, cuddling from like late in the night until the sun would come up. Not until you explained how you spent more time with me than with your housemates and I would only see you once a twice a week. It was weird hearing about our relationship coming from your perspective, I guess I can understand where you were coming from. Like I made you wait 3 weeks until I was ready to do anything with you and I guess that definitely passed the "just having fun" phase. But like I saw it from a different angle. It took that long to let you in because I find it hard to trust people. I've had my heart broken so many times. Many times not because they did something bad to me but because I've been badly led on. I've been made out to be a fool so many times. When I get like close to someone and I fall hard, they always take a step back without me. So with you, I had my guards up. I think I've learnt enough to know you were bad news. So I had to figure out how I felt about you. Plus you were still a stranger to me so I guess it's fair if I say I needed to get to know you better right?

And like I said, I never wanted anything from you. I didn't want you to feel obligated that you had to "ask me out". I was just happy just hanging or chilling with you. Being in your company. Wasting time with you. But you must have felt pressured into giving us a label or something. I just needed to know that you cared too. Then you told me how like you obviously felt the same. You had feelings for me. There's something between us that we can't deny. And that you do care and any other guy would be so lucky to have me.

To me, those are words of a player. Utter bullshit. Words that have no meaning. Then if every other guy was lucky, why the fuck weren't you appreciating it then you dumb fuck?!

This made me so angry.

These are clearly excuses.

Argh fuck me.

Why am I even thinking about you?

Stupid stupid STOO-PID Portuguese asshole.