It's been 2 weeks since I last saw you.
I haven't spoken to you either.
Like at first, it was really hard.
I really struggled to adjust from sharing a bed with you, to coming back home where I was alone in my single bed.
But I guess now, I can deal with it.
Now, I lay there thinking what the future holds.
What will happen?
I know for sure that I'll end up in tears.
I think I'm just bracing myself for that day. I actually don't know if you'll even come back. I don't know why but I have a really bad feeling. I feel so nervous and anxious. Maybe I'm just too dumb and too young to realise how much you're actually playing me about. Too naive to see through all the lies you've told me. Too stupid to realise you never meant what you said, you just wanted to get into my pants.
Maybe I'm also being childish and ignorant by covering up for you, making all those lies to make you seem like you like me... When in fact, the truth is I was just a girl.
I really don't know why but I'm doubting myself.
I'm judging myself for how I came back to you, even after you were the biggest dick to me.
For some reason, I feel even more stupid when I tell people about you.
I want to say your my boyfriend, but truthfully you're not are you?
I want to call you my friend, but it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem appropriate or fitting.
You're not just my friend.
So what do I call you? "The guy I'm seeing"?
You must think I'm the biggest fool. I smile when I think about us. It seems like I like you more than you like me. I don't want to be the chaser. Not for something that won't last.
We have an expiry date on our relationship.
It's not fair. Why us?
The one time I feel serious enough to step out of my shell, the boy I like ends up leaving me.
You've changed me.
I don't feel jealousy on a normal basis and will barely act on it, but when I see your attention focused on someone else, I feel like somethings hacking at my heart. Slicing scars into my heart.
I spent last year promiscuously in clubs. It wouldn't be a shock if I made out with 3 guys and even follow them home on a night out. But now, I just hope the night goes quickly so I can go back to see you. You've calmed me down.
I never thought I'd feel the way I feel when I'm around you. I get nervous just before I'm about to see you. The butterflies make me feel sick because I'm anticipating your reaction when you see me.
I get frustrated when you don't reply.
I do sit here waiting like an idiot for you to possibly message me..
I check my phone constantly, just to check your still alive.
I don't know why but even on our nearly expired relationship, I still hope for something romantic to happen.
That's how stupid I am.
I know you don't feel the same, so I'll keep this all to myself.
So you can go back to Portugal without feeling responsible or guilty, the only feelings that probably prevent you from not talking to me.
Anyway, if you could hear this, I miss you.
I have missed you every single day I've been back. I sit here wondering and imagining what it would be like to have you here with me.
Maybe you'll get along with my parents... Or maybe you won't. Maybe we would go on little dates or maybe you'd storm off and catch the next flight home.
I don't know.
You haven't messaged me once either. Not even a loser like message.
It makes people feel forgotten and unwanted.
I know I could message you. I could message you at any time.
But the fear of rejection, the fear of liking you more, the fear that I'm interrupting.. Stops me.
I really struggled to adjust from sharing a bed with you, to coming back home where I was alone in my single bed.
But I guess now, I can deal with it.
Now, I lay there thinking what the future holds.
What will happen?
I know for sure that I'll end up in tears.
I think I'm just bracing myself for that day. I actually don't know if you'll even come back. I don't know why but I have a really bad feeling. I feel so nervous and anxious. Maybe I'm just too dumb and too young to realise how much you're actually playing me about. Too naive to see through all the lies you've told me. Too stupid to realise you never meant what you said, you just wanted to get into my pants.
Maybe I'm also being childish and ignorant by covering up for you, making all those lies to make you seem like you like me... When in fact, the truth is I was just a girl.
I really don't know why but I'm doubting myself.
I'm judging myself for how I came back to you, even after you were the biggest dick to me.
For some reason, I feel even more stupid when I tell people about you.
I want to say your my boyfriend, but truthfully you're not are you?
I want to call you my friend, but it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem appropriate or fitting.
You're not just my friend.
So what do I call you? "The guy I'm seeing"?
You must think I'm the biggest fool. I smile when I think about us. It seems like I like you more than you like me. I don't want to be the chaser. Not for something that won't last.
We have an expiry date on our relationship.
It's not fair. Why us?
The one time I feel serious enough to step out of my shell, the boy I like ends up leaving me.
You've changed me.
I don't feel jealousy on a normal basis and will barely act on it, but when I see your attention focused on someone else, I feel like somethings hacking at my heart. Slicing scars into my heart.
I spent last year promiscuously in clubs. It wouldn't be a shock if I made out with 3 guys and even follow them home on a night out. But now, I just hope the night goes quickly so I can go back to see you. You've calmed me down.
I never thought I'd feel the way I feel when I'm around you. I get nervous just before I'm about to see you. The butterflies make me feel sick because I'm anticipating your reaction when you see me.
I get frustrated when you don't reply.
I do sit here waiting like an idiot for you to possibly message me..
I check my phone constantly, just to check your still alive.
I don't know why but even on our nearly expired relationship, I still hope for something romantic to happen.
That's how stupid I am.
I know you don't feel the same, so I'll keep this all to myself.
So you can go back to Portugal without feeling responsible or guilty, the only feelings that probably prevent you from not talking to me.
Anyway, if you could hear this, I miss you.
I have missed you every single day I've been back. I sit here wondering and imagining what it would be like to have you here with me.
Maybe you'll get along with my parents... Or maybe you won't. Maybe we would go on little dates or maybe you'd storm off and catch the next flight home.
I don't know.
You haven't messaged me once either. Not even a loser like message.
It makes people feel forgotten and unwanted.
I know I could message you. I could message you at any time.
But the fear of rejection, the fear of liking you more, the fear that I'm interrupting.. Stops me.
