"A girl learns what love is once her heart is broken."

I learnt what love was with you. I learnt how to let you in, trust you and I learnt how to love both the good and bad within you. But now I'm scared. Scared I won't feel the same feelings with someone else. Nobody sends shivers down my spine like you do. Nobody else makes me smile like an idiot like you do. Nobody confuses me like you do. I really fell for you.

I don't know how I feel with you anymore. I don't even know if I'm even feeling anything. I feel like the life I'm living now is a complete lie. Complete bullshit. Everyone seems so happy and coupled up, yet I'm sat on the sidelines by myself. Sometimes I wish you hadn't shown me what it feels like to be with someone because now I have to be alone all the time. And it fucking sucks. I'd rather have not known how it feels to be safe and happy in your arms. Or how it feels when you see me and you smile and kiss me on the lips. Or how it feels to taste the familiarity of whiskey and cigarettes when we kiss. It all haunts me. And everything fucking reminds me of you. You attached so many meanings to my life and I can't seem to forget them. And I stupidly don't want to forget them either. Fuck me.

You're probably living without a care, completely forgotten all our memories and erased England from your memory. You've probably got a new girl on the go, fucking them about like you did with me. You're probably sleeping well, eating well and laughing your hairy ass off every day. In a way, it genuinely makes me feel settled, knowing that you're probably happier than you were here and I wish that you stay this happy and smile that cheesy grin everyday. I really hope the best for you. But maybe because I liked you more than you liked me, it's simply impossible for me to move on.

You broke my heart. My heart breaks when I replay all our memories in my head. I feel so useless and helpless when all I can do is cry. I remembered how we first met and how we started getting close. The first time you came with us to buy alcohol and you laughed at how Asian my Hello Kitty purse was. The second time we were drinking at your house, I remember sitting opposite you as we were playing a drinking game and we were talking but it was difficult to talk. So I remember both of us telling each other to move. You moved the first time and sat next to me for the rest of the night. I remember playing with your cigarettes and refused to give them back as a joke so you would ask me each time you wanted a cigarette. You bullied me in being your secretary and asked me to light it. Little did we both know that I actually couldn't use the lighter... I tried so hard but it hurt rolling my thumb against the lighter. You laughed so hard as I looked like the biggest loser ever but then you grabbed my hand and tried to teach me. It was like how it was in films. It felt so insanely weird, but good and satisfying, slightly embarrassing and cringy too. It was also the night where we took selfies together. You laughed at me as I kept checking my hair in the front camera of my iPhone and pouted in the picture as you took the pictures... Now all I have is this one picture of us as a memory. We will never take anymore photographs together. Nor will we laugh, talk or share memories together... The only evidence that we ever happened, is all inside my brain.

I knew from the beginning that I walked into trouble. I knew that once I entered this game, I was destined to lose but I still played, thinking I could change my own fate... Stupid and naive thinking. And now? Game over. I lost. You went your way, leaving me to go my way by myself. I hope that someday we'd meet again but I know I'm hoping for a miracle. And I know miracles shouldn't be wasted and don't happen on such shitty little boy problems that I have.