Relationships aren't easy. Long distance relationships definitely aren't. Each couple are different and each relationship is unique. When you stop trying or one half can't commit, that's when it all falls apart.

I was one of the happiest people before. I had a boyfriend who meant the world to me. He showed me the meaning of happiness and I finally had a reason to believe I could belong in this world. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but it's normal. I wouldn't change them for a thing. They happened because we both fucked up. We did things that hurt the other person as defence. But that's how you grow and learn.

From then on, I just kept fighting harder for this to work. Of course there are things I hate that he does. I swallow my pride and I swallow that annoyance he brings with his actions and I try to forgive. I try to be understanding. I try. I really do. But sometimes, there comes a point where you can't tolerate shit anymore. Where everything can't  be his way. Where you become tired of believing empty promises.

That's where I am today. I'm so fed up. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm dating myself. Every memory just feels like I made it up in my head. He's a totally different person now. I thought I could change him but it's true. You can't change a person no matter how determined you are. No matter how you try to win them over, no matter how genuine you are,  it means nothing to them.

He now complains because I cry from being hurt by him. He complains and says I'm stroppy and sulky because I asked him not to text his friends or check the news whilst I have 10 mins to Skype him. He hates reading my long messages but he doesn't let me Skype him longer than 10 mins as he has to go to the gym and there's so much for me to say. He hates being bombarded with messages but he chooses to ignore and not reply to my messages even when he's online, which makes me worry and panic more. His biggest solution is to tell me to chill and relax. The thing is I am chilled and relaxed. I'm very calm. He has excuses upon excuses. He's a real dick I know. He's immature and lame. He's selfish and fucked up. But I still fucking love him. Stupidly I can't stop myself from trying.

What the fuck can I do? I've begged him, I've asked him nicely, I've yelled at him but he doesn't give a fuck. Someone tell me what to do. I don't even know anymore. I just need a hug. Just one hug. One that tells me I will be fine.

I'm so pissed off that I even had to say those words out loud to you. I thought they would never happen.

Sleeping next to you feels so unfamiliar and so uncomfortable. I used to yearn for that feeling of being safe and next to you. But now I feel like we're strangers forced into a bed. Today whatever you said triggered a bomb inside of me. It really did hurt me. The way you said it. That flash of hate in your eyes. All I did was try and grab your attention. Things escalate and now we're in this position. I don't even feel any emotion because I, deep down, don't want this to be true.

If there isn't passion anymore, is it worth pursuing?

I question that to myself every morning now. I barely see you and even if you're here, your mind isn't here. I really want to support you through this but recently I feel exhausted from it all. The rare few hours become shorter and shorter everyday and now all we talk about is university related.

Where did the passion go? The chemistry?  The butterflies in my stomach?

I don't know what happened but I feel like we're an old married couple. You come home to a cooked meal with me and then we sleep. We used to go to sleep at crazy hours early in the morning. There used to be so much banter and laughter. We used to be attracted to each other. Now even when is dress up for you, it seems like nothing to you.

I miss you so much and I don't want to be that spoilt brat who demands everything to be done her way. But I can't help but wanting more. I know you can't give me more which is why I feel even worse.

I love you. I honestly do. But I'm finding it harder and harder each day to give you my love when you give back 30%. I feel like I'm giving more effort into this and I can't deal with it. I know I sound like a bitch right now but I miss those times you would surprise me with a cute text or you would pay attention to me. All the little things you used to do. Of course I understand you can't give it to me now... but when will I feel how I used to? It's not fair that I have a boyfriend yet still not feel as if I do. You're too tired to care for me anymore and it makes me sad I can't help you at all. I can't even say I love you anymore.....

Everything is so good between us that I feel like such a bitch for even thinking that you would betray me. 

It's the first time you've gone out with your friends at home and like I feel so awkward. I obviously want you to see your friends and go have fun... But I'm also nervous. Not because I don't trust you, I just find it hard to trust anyone. 

I've had my heart broken so many times that I'm just numb and passive when something good is happening to me. I don't recognise those kind of feelings... All I know is when something hurts. I trust you more than I trust anyone else, which means I will be even more disappointed and feel even more like shit if something ever happens. That's why I feel so uneasy and anxious tonight. 

You're so nice to me that I feel like I'm stabbing you in the back when I feel like this... I know I'm overthinking and am super paranoid and I know you won't do anything but I honestly won't be able to deal with bad news. I know that if you break my heart, it will be the end of me. 

It really pains me that I'm like this. Who wants a girlfriend who's like this? I don't even want to tell you because... What is the point? If I told you, it's like me slapping you in the face. Trust is the basis of all relationships. But please understand, you're my first boyfriend. You're surrounded by your past when you're back home and I know that they meant something to you. I even know that one is still madly in love with you. And for me, that's a daunting thought. All these girls could potentially take you away from me. I've only know you for the past two to three months. That is barely anything. I'm not a great person... I know I'm not, so you have every reason to leave me. 

Jeez I really don't know why I'm even thinking like this. I sound like such a jealous bitch. But frankly, I can't stop. I'm trying my best because I love you. I want us to work. But letting go isn't my forte. Please help me believe in us too. 

Please don't do anything stupid. 

I really need you right now...

It's only when you're separated from someone that you notice how much you need that person in your life. His quirks, his smile and his laugh are little things that I miss. It feels so strange sleeping in my own bed at my family home. It doesn't feel like my bed unless I have you there. You're the reason I feel so safe and happy. I miss your kisses. I miss your hugs. I miss your weird faces. I really miss you. It's like someone's taken away my voice. I have nothing to say unless it's to you. I'm used to telling you everything and anything. 

I feel like a part of me is missing... Like a rainbow missing a colour, or a dog without its bone. You should be here... But you're not. You're miles away from me and it's really got to me. I miss you as soon as you leave me but I had the security that you were only a few hundred metres away from me. But now you're miles away......... 

I wish you were here. 

I feel so blessed to have you. I don't know how to describe it but being with you makes me feel like we're the only people in my world. Time flies quicker when you're here. I tend to not be on my phone or on my laptop anymore, I find myself sitting here looking at you. I admire you. That frown you have when you're being all serious and typing away to your lecturer. I adore you, even when your beard exceeds normal capacity. I miss you as soon as you leave my sight. I want you every single waking second. 

I love you. I know sometimes I've got major princess syndrome and I want things to go my way and I'm so thankful that you don't go along with it and you make me realise I'm being a bitch. I'm thankful to you for just being here with me. I'm thankful just to have you. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. You're something that comes out of fairy tales. And you're mine. 

I never want to let you go. 

How can you carry on messaging that girl in front of me? How can you say that it's important? So important that you ignore the fact I'm sat here with nothing to do but pretending everything's alright...