I don't know what this is. I like him. I know I do. I like him enough that I smile like an idiot even when his name is mentioned. I like him enough that I feel butterflies every time I open the door for him. I like it when he tells me cheesy lovey dovey stuff.
But I'm scared. I'm scared a lot. I have no sense of security. Of course I trust him. But I don't trust myself. What happens when I start showing my true feelings? Whenever I've shown the slightest feelings towards someone it all fucks up. It gets thrown back in my face. I don't want to fall for someone again and have them take a step back without me. Not again. I can't handle that anymore. My heart can't break anymore. I can't bear it. I know one day he's going to leave me and I don't want to be waiting around until he leaves again. There's a time limit to our relationship. There will be a time when he will leave me. I struggled so much when D left me. I felt so broken and alone. It takes so much for me to trust someone and let them in and I don't want to let him go. I don't want to risk losing him and the only way I can guarantee this, is to not be with him. Then I can't lose what I don't have...
